But I Just Want You

I learn so much more from my kids than anyone else.  Like a couple of days ago when Nathan was growling his blessing to the point I almost didn't realize he was saying his blessing.  I told him he needed to pray so God could understand what he was saying and he quickly quipped, "God can understand me."  Of course he was right.  It was my grown-up self that was attempting to interfere in one of the truest conversations between a child and his God.  And a reminder that we all need to come to God as a little child without pretense or the delusion that God wants any more from us that what we are.  After all, it is the sacrifices of the heart that are most precious to God.

I received another reminder this evening at bedtime.   

When Nathan had been tucked in and we believed he was down for the night, David went back to the church to work on a few things.  A few minutes later, Nathan sauntered back to the living room and when I told him to go back to bed he said, "But I just want you mom."  How could I turn him down?  There was a time in the not-so-distant future when I wondered if I would ever here those words come out of his mouth.  In that moment, there is nothing that would have made me feel more loved than those simple words.

I wonder how often God longs to hear me say, "But I just want you."  I know it's way more than I actually say it; especially as I consider all the more trivial things on my own list of wants.  But I also think I'm learning how to love God more because being a parent teaches me about how God loves me.  His love for me never changes based on my actions of the day.  He loves me because I am His.  As much as I know God wants to hear me say that I just want Him, I know the reason He really wants to hear it is because He just wants me.

Starting Out

I think every day at our house starts with the words, "Where we goin' today?"  Sometimes Nathan doesn't even wait until morning to ask them -- he asks about tomorrow before it even gets here.  I know he gets it honest. 

It seems as we get older, though, we're much more hesitant to get moving.  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe we just became quite the homebodies as a result of living in Boone.  Maybe it's because it seems like every time we leave the house we somehow end up spending money on something we don't need.  Or maybe we've sadly lost our sense of adventure and exchanged it for what we often deem as safety and the comfort of home.  Or maybe it's something entirely different.  Only God knows.  

Thankfully, we have Nathan to motivate us on the days when we find ourselves focusing selfishly on ourselves.  You don't have to be around us long to recognize that if Nathan's stir-crazy we're all going to be crazy in a very brief moment.

So, here I am in the stillness of midnight with both kids sleeping peacefully and myself wondering where we're goin' today.  I ought to be going to bed.  Instead, I find myself pondering.  Usually I keep my ponderings to myself figuring they're not that interesting.   But nevertheless, writing them down helps me process.  I also felt like I needed to do something to mark the day.  Today (or I guess it's yesterday now) was the 10 year anniversary of my mom's passing.  As I consider that, I sometimes feel stuck on that day -- hesitant to move on. Wondering how life would be different if she was still here -- if Nathan and Carleigh knew their grandmother, if I could pick up the phone and call her, if . . .  I miss her so much.  

In life, I do believe mom made her mark on everyone she met.  But I also know that in her death she taught me to value today.  To look for the little joys and know that today will never come around again.  To know that God indeed does cause all things to work together for good for them that love Him and are called according to His purposes (Rom. 8:28).  To walk by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7).  To revel in how great the love of God is that I should be called His child (I John 3:1).  To recognize that it is God who lifts me up out of the miry clay, setting my feet upon a rock and establishing my steps (Ps. 40:2).

So I will wake up in the morning and look out the window at the smooth blanket of snow and when Nathan asks me where we're goin' -- I'll tell Him we're going to make footprints.  After all, footprints are a sign that someone has been there and we need to make our mark in this big world.  Just like my mom.